Stories

Hope is the fuel of change. In this segment, we invite survivors (patients and loved ones alike) to post any original writing that could be useful to others struggling with this illness. So many survivors have such insight and years of practical experience to draw on for those engaged in the journey to wellness. While the stigma remains, all entries may be sent in with names and city of origin, but will be put into the website as Name Withheld, unless otherwise noted. If you are willing to specify the city where you lived with the illness, please indicate so in your e-mail to alison@daniellesplace.org. Send the writing itself as an attachment. We thank you for your submissions which will be valued by those caught in this confusing illness.

 

Keeping a Journal Can Be Very Effective (Name Withheld)

Keeping a journal can be very effective in healing. It's not just a bunch of words on paper. Sometimes when you review what you've written over a course of a few days or few weeks, you may see a pattern or even improvement in your thought process.

If actual writing is more calming and reflective for you, have a pen and pad of paper ready. If you type like a bat out of hell like me (!), turn on the computer and let it flow.

You'll come to appreciate your own words and understand where some of your sadness comes from. The best book I ever invested in was "Mind Over Mood" by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky (available at most good book stores). It's really a work book that teaches you how you come up with self-defeating thoughts, how to evaluate their validity and best of all, how to train yourself to create a more positive core belief.

I gave up the eating disorder years ago for a healthier lifestyle but I still struggle with depression which has reached new heights (lows???) since the death of both my parents in a short period of time.

As I've mentioned in my last posting, I have two lovely daughters who depend on me. Oddly enough, they've mentioned how much I laugh (my eldest actually said I laughed too much!) which seems to get me through bad days. I hold down a full-time job and would prefer my employers didn't know about what I struggle with. I am extremely reliable, punctual, perky - ew.I hate saying that - and professional.

I want you to look at people around you. They don't have to be people you know. They can be total strangers. Why do they deserve more than you? Are they having a good time? Why can't you cut some pleasure out for yourself? Do you even remember what it is that interests you? I'll be you dollars to donuts (an expression my dear Mom frequently used) you'd start feeling even a little better if you started taking better care of your soul.

Take that first step to nurture yourself. Unfortunately you will have to start eating regularly again because without food, your brain will not operate correctly. Your emotions are out of whack from malnutrition and you must come to realize that.

It's no fun ending up in the hospital where it only seems like their main goal is to get you to eat. You wait around a lot waiting to talk to someone who you may or may not click with. Please start here.with yourself.

I want you to know that if you do have to be admitted for treatment, it is a step in the right direction. Re-feeding is necessary initially to get you responsive to the help you will receive. Take whatever help is offered and learn to say what's on your mind.

Believe it or not, happiness is within your reach. We all deserve to enjoy our lives and you mustn't be afraid or feel somewhat undeserving.

When you journal, start writing down some simple goals of what you would like from your life. It can be something small or something that takes longer to achieve. Either way, it gives you some appetite for life and that's what it's all about.

 

Back to Life (Name Withheld)

After almost a decade of starving with the occasional binge and purge sessions thrown in, I found myself down to a ridiculous weight of 98 lbs. At almost 5' 9", I'm sure the look was frightening. Pictures from that time-frame depict a young woman slowly making her way to the grave.

I'm still not sure what I was doing back then. I guess I was trying to gain some control over my life. I felt unworthy and undeserving but first and foremost, I was depressed. I no longer knew what I liked; couldn't speak my mind; and, definitely fell under the category "pleaser".

Various therapies over the years did little to undo all the negative thoughts that paraded through my mind day after day, hour after hour.

I am 42-years-old now and have been free of this wretched disease for 14 years. But I won't lie to you. I have been plagued by sometimes crippling depressions during my life. I've always been a high-functioning, type "A" kind of woman, so these bouts seldom stopped me from working or looking put together but inside, I was hurting tremendously.

I've lost a child in between two beautiful daughters and in the short span of 18 months, I have lost both my parents. Like most people, I have had my share of grief to deal with.

The difference now, is that I express my sadness in healthier ways. I know that not eating makes every situation far worse. Let it be known: starving yourself only adds to an existing problem because your brain will NOT function correctly. Your ability to reason will go down the toilet (no pun intended!).

As hard as I tried to maintain my weight, I never felt safe and comfortable when I was 98 lbs. I was terrified of everything life had to offer and didn't have a clue how to enjoy myself. And I felt lonely. How could anyone understand what I felt?

I knew I was doing to die. Therefore, the only option left was living . If I was terrified of dying, I rationalized to myself, then the alternative of taking care of myself by eating and nurturing my previous interests just had to be easier, right?

The other argument I posed to myself was, " If everyone else is living and having a good time, why can't I?" There was no logical reason why I deserved less than anyone else and that , my friends, is precisely what got the ball rolling for me.

I went to a regular GP for various things but she frequently voiced her concern over my weight. She had no background in depression and eating disorders but decided to take me on as a weekly patient because she knew there was nothing available to me that didn't have a ridiculously long waiting list. Each visit I had with her, we discussed my fears/concerns/issues and slowly, I began taking better care of myself. Why did this treatment work where others failed me? I'd say it was a case of it being the right thing at the right time. I had reached rock bottom and had to make a choice. I knew I had already wasted a lot of time and it was clear there wasn't much of it left to dilly-dally.

Was it easy? No, it wasn't. I found it uncomfortable physically to eat more. I felt overly full sometimes but I persevered. I didn't want to part with my tiny clothes but I enjoyed purchasing new clothes. I began to enjoy the softness returning to my face where unhealthy, unnatural slants once looked back to me from the mirror. Even the dark circles of malnutrition began to fade. Socializing no longer made me anxious because if food was being served, I would be able to eat with everyone else.

My life has changed in that I no longer know what it's like to deprive myself in order to cope. It just doesn't seem to be "a part of me" any longer.

As painful as feelings are at times, I choose to feel them. They can't kill me and so I ride them, if you will, as best as I can. It hasn't been easy at all but I relish the thought that I chose life over a slow, agonizing death.

My interests in singing and writing were rejuvenated and with a husband, two daughters, a house and a full-time job, it's been interesting incorporating what I used to be so good at into my existence. These interests of mine feed and nurture me. I perform in a couple of bands and there is instant gratification for me. I give and I get and am transformed from that frightened child of years ago to the woman you see before you. I feel powerful at times and not at all concerned of what people think of me because I believe I am a "good soul".

My rules to pass on to you are simple:

1. Remember what it is that interests you / turns you on / makes you lose yourself / engages your senses. You can't experience the benefits of these pleasures if you can't do them and you can't do them if you don't nourish your body.

2. Start saying what you think. If you don't like something, say so. You don't need to be a verbal bully. Practice explaining that something displeases you in a non-threatening, tactful way. You'll feel strangely empowered! Get used to it!

3. Enjoy the way your face starts to look. See the colour return to your face and the stress lines ease up.

4. Make delicious food for yourself. If you pack your lunch to work, put some effort into it! A cloth napkin? Decent cutlery? Whatever makes you feel good, go for it. Don't just do it for a few days then stop. Keep doing it.

5. Ask for help. If you are depressed, don't go it alone. There are plenty of professionals out there skilled to help. If you are grieving, go to a bereavement group. Don't be afraid to share. Everyone hurts at some point of their lives.

6. Remind yourself daily how worthwhile you are. Remind yourself that life is short and you have every right to enjoy yourself. With so much negativity around, try spreading a little joy and see what happens.

7. Write up a list you can refer to any time of the day that lists all your attributes. Keep it by your bedside so you can read it before you get out of bed in the morning. Read it over while you eat your breakfast. Put it in your purse and take it with you for the day.